He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize