When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
