i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
