Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
