My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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