Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize