It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
