my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
