are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
