no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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