So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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