I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
