I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
