I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
