You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
