I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
