We won't sleep together?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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