so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
