using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize