When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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