Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
