so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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