I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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