I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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