Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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