No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
