new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize