I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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