it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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