so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
