I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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