She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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