We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
