My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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