You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
