Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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