you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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