Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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