tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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