you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
