i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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