Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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