the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
