We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
