I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
