mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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