They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
