i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
