I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
