You just made me feel so damn special
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize