After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
