glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
