please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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