i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
