Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
