I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
