ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize