I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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