hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
