Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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