Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
