I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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