dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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