remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
