If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
